it’s been a long time (new years and other musings)

it’s been a long time since i’ve felt like my life is actually under my control. in the last year i’ve gone from being happy and healthy to trying to manage a broke household and a chronic pain situation while also fending off incredible amounts of stress and old habits trying to make a comeback. my marriage is still happy, which is something that not everyone would be able to say in the same situation. i’m young enough to still be on my dad’s insurance and on good enough terms with my parents that they’re willing to pay most things that aren’t covered by that, so i can go to the doctor when i need to and not have to worry too much about being able to afford it. i’m alive. i’m two years clean from self harm. i’m happily married to one of my best friends, who trusts me to know what i need and will listen to me when he’s being too stubborn about something that matters. i have a calling in church that allows me to serve within my capabilities without asking me to leave my comfort zone too much. for all of this i have all the gratitude in the world.

but gratitude does not equal contentment.

i am still a far-from-perfect almost-twenty-one-year-old that is still figuring out the world. depression and anxiety are still problems for me. i still pick my fingers until the bleed without realizing it. i’m chronically behind on laundry and dishes even though there are only two of us to keep up with and my room is always a mess. i am seventy pounds above where i would like to be and diet and exercise aren’t changing that. my medications don’t always work the way they should and i am in some amount of pain almost constantly. life is not easy and does not look like it will get any easier as it goes on.

maybe it’s all just nostalgia and feelings that maybe this year wasn’t all it could’ve been, but my only true resolution for the next year is to cry more often. i don’t do that enough. it gets bottled up and ends up dragging me down more than giving in and letting it out would. cry when you’re happy. cry when you’re sad. cry when incredible things happen. cry when you get hurt. cry for no reason. there is some sort of catharsis that comes from crying that i’ve been missing out on for a very long time. i need to reclaim that.

there is a melancholy that has been the underlying current in my life for nearly seven years now. it’s time to let go.