I try not to be political, but really.

These platforms are kind of ridiculous. I would like to point out, however, that I am not endorsing any particular party. This is just how their platforms come across to me as I read them, because I’m in the process of filling out my ballot. It’s cool.

JOBS
Obama: Look how well we did last term!
Romney: Well, we’ve got this plan that’s gonna take our jobs back from those thieving reds in Asia and put them right back here, where they belong. Oh, and our plan has 5 parts, one of which is called “reducing the deficit” which really should probably be under the Economy plank but OH WELL
Johnson (libertarian): YOU’RE ALL CRAZY
Stein (green): Grassroots efforts to create more jobs in sustainable energy will create more long-term jobs.

TAXES
Obama: Let’s try this again.
Romney: LOOK AT ALL THE COUNTRIES THAT CUT CORPORATE TAXES OH MY GOSH AND WE HAVEN’T CUT THOSE IN 24 YEARS :O
Johnson (libertarian): YOU’RE ALL CRAZY
Stein (green): Rewrite the tax code to make it more manageable for pretty much everyone. The rich can afford to give more, the poor can afford to give less, so we’ll make it balanced for everyone.

FOREIGN POLICY
Obama: Look what I did! I killed Saddam AND bin Laden! Aren’t I a good boy? :D
Romney: What? Guns? Where! They have guns? THEY HAVE GUNS WHAT OH MY GOSH THEY’RE NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE GUNS THEY’LL KILL US WHERE WE STAND WE NEED TO RUN IN THERE AND TAKE ALL THEIR GUNS OR WE’LL ALL DIE BECAUSE WE’RE AMURRICANS
Johnson (libertarian): YOU’RE ALL CRAZY
Stein (green): Focus more on diplomacy and human rights than forceful attacks and assassinations. Work with other countries, not against them.

HEALTHCARE
Obama: Girls, we will not only allow you to visit your gynecologists on a regular basis, but we will pay for your appointments so y’all can get pregnant as much as you want!
Romney: Girls, pay for your own damn contraceptives. You can get pregnant as much as you want, but don’t come crying to me to pay for it!
Johnson (libertarian): YOU’RE ALL CRAZY
Stein (green): Basically everything that makes sense: Get rid of harmful toxins and GMOs in farming, provide contraceptive, prenatal, and postnatal care to women for a lower cost, and provide people with the information they need in order to make informed decisions about food and health.

TAXES (again)
Obama: I like turtles.
Romney: Look how stupid this guy is. Liking turtles. Pfeh. Everyone knows that boobies are where it’s at.
Johnson (libertarian): YOU’RE ALL CRAZY
Stein (green): Get rid of banks that are “too big to fail” because we don’t need them. We need more non-profit, service-based organizations.

EDUCATION
Obama: MOAR MONEE FOUR SKOOLS YAY
Romney: Look at this guy. Thinking we just need more money. Everyone knows we just need to get more people through school so that they can work and get jobs and stuff. BECAUSE WE TOTALLY HAVE ENOUGH JOBS FOR ALL THESE GRADUATES!
Johnson (libertarian): YOU’RE ALL CRAZY
Stein (green): Stop privatizing public schools, provide tuition-free education, forgive existing student debt, and quit denying diplomas based on stupid tests.
Me: YEAH LOOK AT THE COLLEGE STUDENTS WHO’VE NOTICED THAT EVERYONE’S HIRING BUT NOBODY’S GOT A JOB WOOHOO

GUN RIGHTS
Obama: WHAT GUNS WHERE WHO HAS GUNS WE CAN’T HAVE GUNS BECAUSE GUNS GO BOOM AND KILL PEOPLE
Romney: We’re the only people allowed to have guns. Seriously. Look how everyone else uses them! These people (NON-AMURRICANS) are children that need to have that privilege taken away. Only AMURRICA can have guns.
Johnson (libertarian): YOU’RE ALL CRAZY
Stein (green): Do we really have to go over this?

ECONOMY
Obama: You know that massive debt I racked up in favor of the big companies? Ignore that. I’ll reduce the debt by $4 trillion!
Romney: Elect me and I just won’t spend anything. Ever. At all. I won’t even buy groceries. I WILL STARVE TO SAVE AMURRICA
Johnson (libertarian): YOU’RE ALL CRAZY
Stein (green): Really, guys? This is ridiculous. I already talked about the economy.

SOCIAL SECURITY
Obama: Don’t mind me, I’ll just sit here.
Romney: Let’s keep it just the way it is, but increase the retirement age because people are living a hella long time. Methuselah had it easy compared to these guys.
Johnson (libertarian): YOU’RE ALL CRAZY
Stein (green): Stop cutting it. You’re killing all those lovely old people.

GAY MARRIAGE/RIGHTS
Obama: Sure, why not?
Romney: AW HELL NAW.
Johnson (libertarian): YOU’RE ALL CRAZY
Stein (green): Yup! BE FREE MY FLOWER CHILDREN!

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