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  • Zi 11:09 pm on December 28, 2014 Permalink |  

    it’s been a long time (new years and other musings) 

    it’s been a long time since i’ve felt like my life is actually under my control. in the last year i’ve gone from being happy and healthy to trying to manage a broke household and a chronic pain situation while also fending off incredible amounts of stress and old habits trying to make a comeback. my marriage is still happy, which is something that not everyone would be able to say in the same situation. i’m young enough to still be on my dad’s insurance and on good enough terms with my parents that they’re willing to pay most things that aren’t covered by that, so i can go to the doctor when i need to and not have to worry too much about being able to afford it. i’m alive. i’m two years clean from self harm. i’m happily married to one of my best friends, who trusts me to know what i need and will listen to me when he’s being too stubborn about something that matters. i have a calling in church that allows me to serve within my capabilities without asking me to leave my comfort zone too much. for all of this i have all the gratitude in the world.

    but gratitude does not equal contentment.

    i am still a far-from-perfect almost-twenty-one-year-old that is still figuring out the world. depression and anxiety are still problems for me. i still pick my fingers until the bleed without realizing it. i’m chronically behind on laundry and dishes even though there are only two of us to keep up with and my room is always a mess. i am seventy pounds above where i would like to be and diet and exercise aren’t changing that. my medications don’t always work the way they should and i am in some amount of pain almost constantly. life is not easy and does not look like it will get any easier as it goes on.

    maybe it’s all just nostalgia and feelings that maybe this year wasn’t all it could’ve been, but my only true resolution for the next year is to cry more often. i don’t do that enough. it gets bottled up and ends up dragging me down more than giving in and letting it out would. cry when you’re happy. cry when you’re sad. cry when incredible things happen. cry when you get hurt. cry for no reason. there is some sort of catharsis that comes from crying that i’ve been missing out on for a very long time. i need to reclaim that.

    there is a melancholy that has been the underlying current in my life for nearly seven years now. it’s time to let go.

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  • Zi 2:05 pm on January 2, 2014 Permalink |  

    The new year has started 

    And I am really tired already.

    In the last year, I’ve dropped out of college, gotten a job, quit said job, started dating, gotten married, and moved out of my parent’s house. And that’s a lot of stuff to happen in one year. I’ve also learned how to be happier in general, but especially with myself and my appearance and the choices I’ve made.

    Right now, that’s all I really have to say. Here’s to the next year and all the growth it will bring.

     
  • Zi 6:45 pm on May 9, 2013 Permalink |  

     
  • Zi 7:52 pm on May 8, 2013 Permalink |  

    “vanessa you’re going to get a d in history”

    oh um okay

    fts 1
    fts 2
    fts 4

     
  • Zi 1:58 pm on May 7, 2013 Permalink |  

    there is literally nothing worse than realizing that you have a day and a half to learn javascript

    especially when the only language you have any experience with is logo

    and you have to write an actual program with actual outputs and actual proper terms

    looks like it might be another late night for me

     
  • Zi 12:36 am on May 7, 2013 Permalink |  

    Things Eliza Says Said 

    Also known as HOW DID I FORGET THAT THIS WAS IN MY DRAFTS FOLDER YOU GUYS

    I’m gonna get a tattoo of your face on my face.

    I will force choke you with my dick.

    Juan does not simply walk into Arizona!

    Why so Syria?
    (Mathews) What?
    Nothing…

    Imagine if you could have sex in Portal…

    I honestly don’t know how we managed to graduate.

     
  • Zi 12:31 am on May 7, 2013 Permalink |  

    You know something’s wrong when your first thought upon encountering an assignment you were given a month ago is “I am not drunk enough for this”

     
  • Zi 10:59 pm on May 6, 2013 Permalink |  

    wow can you just not

     
  • Zi 9:35 pm on May 4, 2013 Permalink |  

    Seriously considering going for the integrated circuit layout design certificate instead of pharmacy tech…cheaper to get and more reliable and actually interesting and IT PAYS MORE AS A JOB hey hey hey

    I would laugh so hard if I got it and ended up working at TI with my dad. XP

     
  • Zi 6:23 pm on May 2, 2013 Permalink |  

    you little

     
  • Zi 10:23 pm on April 27, 2013 Permalink |  

    Lego House 

    It’s always the nice guys that get friendzoned. Unless you’re me, in which case all the nice guys friendzone you. I just have the best luck.

    (More …)

     
  • Zi 9:00 pm on April 25, 2013 Permalink |  

    Someone came into the shop today, saw my arm, and asked if there was someone else that could help them. This is the first time it’s happened to me. This is the only response I have for her.

    Okay, yeah, there’s scars on my arm. They’re ugly and discolored and if they make you uncomfortable, that’s a sad thing, but I’m not gonna break my head over it. You know why? Because these scars are a part of me. They are my past, my present, and my future and if you see them and only think, “Oh, she’s a cutter” or “stupid emo girl,” then you don’t know me. You don’t know what it means to be able to wear short sleeves without being terribly self-conscious about it. You don’t understand that the fact that there hasn’t been a fresh cut in over a month is a huge deal to me and the people that care about me. And you will probably never understand that while I could get angry at you for judging me, I won’t. I’m not angry. I’m sad. I’m sad that people like you will never understand people like me. I hope you can learn from this. I know I have.

     
    • Damn Near Perfect 3:48 am on April 26, 2013 Permalink | Log in to Reply

      I want you to know something.
      You are one of the strongest people I know.
      Because.
      I totally get what you’re saying here.
      And for what it’s worth, I’m happy that you can get past your past.
      I don’t really talk to you as much as I’d like.
      And I think you’re a really cool person.
      And we’ve shared enough laughs, I think, or else you wouldn’t try to hang out with me, ever xD
      But you’re cool.
      Super cool.
      I strongly believe that you bless me with your friendship.
      Thank you, for you.

  • Zi 2:28 pm on April 19, 2013 Permalink |  

    Probably the best thing about spending so much… 

    Probably the best thing about spending so much time taking care of other people is the favors I can call in when I manage to swallow my pride long enough to ask. It’s something I’m very, very grateful for right now. :)

     
  • Zi 3:50 pm on April 15, 2013 Permalink |  

    I can feel myself turning into a better… 

    I can feel myself turning into a better person than I’ve been since I was 10 and for the first time, I don’t want to stop it. It’s scary because I don’t know what-all’s gonna happen or how I’ll deal with it, but it’s exciting. Life is definitely looking up. :)

     
  • Zi 12:29 pm on April 13, 2013 Permalink |  

    Things I don’t understand:

    • fake pockets
    • buttons that don’t button anything
    • buttons on pockets
    • why men’s shorts have so many pockets
    • why men’s shorts pockets are usually velcroed shut
    • why people don’t just do their own stupid laundry
    • why we tag pants upside down and shorts upside up
    • why we call it “dry cleaning” when it’s actually…not…dry.
    • Spanish

    In other news, I started training today and got paperwork and a time card. It was obvious to everyone that I’m very very much an introvert, so they made me take all 30 customers that came in between 8:30 and 11:30. Apparently it’s good practice.

     
  • Comrade Timekeeper 2:19 pm on April 12, 2013 Permalink |  

    POST ABOUT YOUR JOB

     
  • Zi 4:33 pm on April 5, 2013 Permalink |  

    Spent all day cleaning, mom comes home and says “Hey Ness, will you do dishes?”

    spn stabbing you

     
  • Zi 10:32 am on April 5, 2013 Permalink |  

    iceberg

     
  • Zi 10:25 am on April 5, 2013 Permalink |  

    devourer

     
  • Comrade Timekeeper 10:08 am on April 2, 2013 Permalink |  

    “Not just immigrants, but homosexuality, the Irish, the Polish…”

    I don’t understand English teachers.

     
  • Zi 11:15 am on March 30, 2013 Permalink |  

    polyphemus

     
  • Zi 2:46 pm on March 26, 2013 Permalink |  

    “I think fanfiction is literature and literature, for the most part, is fanfiction, and that anyone that dismisses it simply on the grounds that it’s derivative knows fuck-all about literature and needs to get the hell off my lawn.” -A college professor, on being asked his opinion on fanfiction

     
  • Zi 1:52 pm on March 25, 2013 Permalink |  

    fmfl cas
    hngh
    hungover cas
    gonna go die now kthxbai

     
  • Zi 9:09 pm on March 21, 2013 Permalink |  

    Allow me to show you how much I care about school right now:
    no homework EVAR

     
  • Comrade Timekeeper 4:56 pm on March 20, 2013 Permalink |  

    tumblr_lzd5zeSAaV1qhvsez

     
  • Comrade Timekeeper 4:41 pm on March 20, 2013 Permalink |  

    KARKAT: BUT THE TIME HAS COME FOR ME TO CEASE STRADDLING THIS DEEPLY OFFENSIVE PIECE OF FURNITURE! AWAY WITH YE, FOUR LEGGED TEMPTRESS! DISTRACT US NO MORE WITH THE MOST BASIC AND UTILITARIAN FORM OF CREATURE COMFORT YOU SUPPLY!!!
    DAVE: karkat just threw a tantrum about a chair
    DAVE: i just won karkat tantrum bingo

     
  • Zi 4:06 pm on March 20, 2013 Permalink |  

    Let me tell you how I feel today. 

    i quit
    done

     
  • Zi 11:18 am on March 15, 2013 Permalink |  

    I can’t, anymore. Oh my goodness.

    http://goo.gl/q9Fsy

     
  • Zi 9:13 pm on March 6, 2013 Permalink |  

    http://www.thinkgeek.com/product/ee04/?cpg=cj&ref=&CJURL=&CJID=2617611

    WANT

     
  • Zi 12:45 pm on March 6, 2013 Permalink |  

    okay i finally did something with my old url and turned it into a writing blog. here it is in case you forgot.

    cynicalpastafarian.wordpress.com

     
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